30 Oct 2010

I do really have no idea about this feeling

When I look back, I found that there is something I still can't neglect, I thought those memories have faded out of my mind gradually, but I am wrong. Actually I need not to care about any words and sentances, but it's a really quite astonishment to me indeed.

It's not that worthy to put in mind, just let it go...

Yes! I have to say it's indelible, so that I can't forget it easily. Now what I can do is try to settle myself down and patch up those scraps of emotion.

The problem is not about responsibility or consequence, but attitude. The way you treat me is cruel and reckless, finally you still not realize what you said is a real mischief to me. You never know the more important you are, the more suffering I did undergo...

我從來不知道這道傷痕是如此的深與痛,那麼多年真的以為已經釋懷,而且不再具有任何感覺,但是當我看到了一些事情,那種莫名的難過又湧上心頭。我是一個很念舊的人,但也非常的不具感情,就像姐姐常告訴我:「你真的很可怕,為什麼你總是對事情那麼冷漠,我有時候也很害怕妳」,但是好多事情一旦刻在心中就再也無法忘記,而且會永遠歷歷在目,哪怕一支用了10年的自動筆殘骸,我都還是珍惜的存留在鉛筆盒裡。很多傷害過我的人、事、物,就算對我的影響再大,只要最初是我所喜歡和認同的,我都還是繼續保有珍惜的想法直到最後,然而在被我認同前就讓留下壞印象的,我想那種厭惡可能也會是一輩子的,我就是有這麼討人厭的性格。

想到今天熙皓哥對朋友說的:「你們可以用各種方式對待我,但就是不要不理我」,這就是人與人之間互相的珍惜不是嗎?這件事的發生真的讓我措手不及,也讓我知道需要重新認識並關心自己,原來人的情感是如此的複雜與奧妙,以致於對自己的靈魂或想法甚至一舉一動都不了解,或許該是放下的時候,不要比較,不要在意,更不要胡思亂想,真的只是很簡單的"過去",自己未來的路不也比過去來的更真實與重要?

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