struggling

最近一直被某些事困擾著，說實在頗為傷神的，上大學這將近兩年的時間經歷很多，我以為情緒的起伏已經隨著自己的成長慢慢被克服了，但我發現自己似乎退步了，呼吸新鮮空氣的空間好像不斷的在萎縮。

下禮拜即將上DOOLOS當志工，我知道這是神為我預備的工作，很奇妙的當我告訴自己"I need going out to find some fresh air, otherwise I'll be strangled"我發現DOULOS就要靠岸了；昨天聽到Jeff和Olga的分享我真的大從心底看見他們的勇氣，Jeff 高中畢業就上船去服事主，現在他也不過23歲，但他卻在船上待了5~6年，這段期間把他塑造成一個不一樣的人，看著只不過比我大兩歲的Jeff，我真的很希望自己真的有那樣燃燒不盡的愛與熱忱，而Olga也同樣為了傳福音放下穩定的工作，每月自己付費450美金去做福音工作，看著他們我跟自己說：「你在慈濟的服事又算的了什麼，你該為自己的渺小感的謙虛」。

認識林宣的人應該都知道，我希望自己一人最好能做完所有事，我不是喜歡要求別人的人，然而你們卻說我很喜歡(或習慣)要求別人為我(們)奉獻，為什麼你們可以對我說出這種嚴厲的話，而且我好像就如你們所說的「就是那樣」的人，然而有的時候你們又說我獨來獨往不與人相處，說怕我人際關係因此不好，說的好像所有狀況好像你們都很了解很清楚一樣，只是一點小小的計較，你們卻說：「做大事的人才不會去計較這些」，只是那麼一點點的堅持你們也要這樣批判我。我承認我是不好相處的人，真實的我是不苟言笑，當你們看到我咭哩瓜拉有說不完的話時，表示我很想表達我跟你們在一起讓我很高興，我想跟你們分享我的喜悅；當初我不想當社長也是因為我不想站在大家面前，我討厭被大家注目，我喜歡帶著帽子壓低帽緣走在路上，最好世界上的人都不知道我時誰，你們不會理我我也懶得去理你們。

這一年來有很多的不尊重，我忍下來了，我除了忍真的沒有其他辦法，偶爾我只想表達我的不平，卻被你們說成在排擠和怨恨別人，我的方式錯了嗎？還是只有你們自己認定的方式才是對的？我的價值不是只建立在你們口中的那個「該要如何」才是「對」的林宣。

其實我不需要為這些事付出傷心難過的代價，我也沒有本錢去為這些事煩惱，但我真的走不出這些批評，因為我就算忘了，它們又如同不定時炸彈炸破我平靜的心；在這裡，我很想找到真正願意與我一起同心服事神的伴，but I have no idea，也許在兩個月我就要卸任了，一切都會塵埃落幕。

melancholys went away from me equably

Last night, I received a call from Agnes which made me know the truth, I had already suspected this answer for a long time, now I recognize what you thinking about us eventually. Now I have something to tell you equally.

Maybe I am a grungy leader this academic year, but I manage to keep going to be a leader, somehow, this is a exhausting work, didn't you know that, I believed you may giving hepl in hard time, actually you not only paid no attention but also left us away, I didn't want to misunderstand you behavior, but whene letdown appeared again and again I don't know how to make circumstances change.

Everytime problems were head-on, I have an impulse to change my personality, to be a tender girl, in order to decrease conflict, why didn't you changed your irresponsible attitude, on the contrary you thougt we were disgusted, you have known we were puny distinctly since you came here, so what, you still request us to be the pattern which you want, when you found we are not fond of your pattern and we did not comply with you, what did you do? abandoning and injuring.

All the promise you gave me, you didn't comply practically, I trust in you so much, but you were still parsimonious to give me feedback, I even wrangled over your unconcern with teacher, teacher mistrust me and he thought I push you out on purpose at one time. I didn't mean that, I just wanted to express my indignation. If I ever hurt you by accident, I said sorry to you, I want to make it clear that I have no prejudice against you.

I turned down to be a leader one more time, cause the moment I conscious of that I couldn't get approbation from you anymore, how trying I was, going through this academic year I am really tired, but I still remind myself that we encompass the beautiful memory ever, let melancholys dispersed by wind.

When You Feel There is No Hope

This morning I went to church and read an article of Dandelion magazine which gave comfort to me.
which is:

When You Feel There is No Hope
In your times of deep despair, do you feel there is no hope?
As the darkness closes in on you, do you feel you cannot cope?
As you struggle on through every trial, do you say: " When will it end"?
AS you cary yourself to sleep at night, do you wish you had a friend?
When your body's racked with aches ans pains, do you fear the great unknown?
There is someone who really cares, and He heres you every cry.
His arms are reaching out to you, and on Him you can rely.
He wants to hold you in His arms and He will never cast you out.
As you stumble through the darkness. He will be your guiding light.
He wants to wipe away you rears, for you are precious in His sight.
He is the heavenly father who loves you always.

How can I do?

The last two days I was in a downcast frame of mind, there were many reasons I still could not assurd. Yesterday I chated will Ci-Hou, I used many extreme sentences to discribe my feeling, I never said these words before, I am not indefinite it was my limit or not, something could not be said by christans, but I really did that.

this wednesday many problemed bumped to me, that let me irresolute how to make a decision, cause I afraid to mke human exacerbation, hurting other people was not my original intention, but I always control myself ill out of my meaning, please tell me what I can do, did not make me to be a blamable girl.

我從來不想去強調自己有多忙，因為那不是我的藉口，但我必須表達我的無奈─身為一個生科學生，想好好放鬆自己也不是自己能夠決定的，一路來我看到很多付出，但同樣的我看到很多我無法理解的態度；很多時候我的不滿是在和老師的衝突中爆發出來，然而我的高亢卻被視為不成熟的舉動，就連發洩的權利都不給我是嗎？我不喜歡要求別人，但這並不代表我對他人的忽視，老實說，當我選擇去忽視一些人、事、物時，表示我再也不去在意你有多重要了，因為你們先不重視我在先。

我一直想辦法和你們達成共識，但是比我想像難上加難，我也一直想辦法解決，但我幾乎等不到來自你們的援助，我該怎麼做你們才會滿意？我不會巴結別人或討好別人，我想你們也不會要我這麼做，我很想適時的表達我的看法，但你們總是不給我機會，換句話來說，也就是你們連和我們多一點互動的機會都不願意好好珍惜，為你們做的調動也莫不在乎，我到底要怎樣做你們才會看到我的善意與用心？

一頓飯的價值不會大於你們對我們的重視，而你們連一頓飯的價值都視為無關緊要，我們需要時，幫助從何而來？為什麼我老是要重視你們的提議，你們卻不願意一起站出來解決問題？我很想問，你們曾經在乎過我們，而因為對我們的失望讓你們的重心一去不返？還是，你們從未想過好好來和我們一起服事神？什麼叫做負擔、什麼叫做需要？傳福音的工作是不分地區，服事主的心不是看地方選擇的，不是嗎？我用遠弄不清楚、理不明白，我一直選擇將希望放在你們身上，屢次的爽約讓我產生諸多的不信任，而誤解未曾在我心中被打開；我不想去責怪或埋怨，但是我若一直默默睜一隻眼閉一隻眼，有天我會生病，很多的疑問在我心中盤旋，但我真的不知道要如何去證實，而我卻害怕一切的答案是那樣的無意義。

我曾經選擇責怪自己，但這不是好的方式，你們可以說是我的不用心我的不在乎造成今天這樣的情況，我可以隨便你們如何批評我，我不是沒有想過如何改變現況，我也不是沒有努力，但是總是不如人願，如果我真的不好請放了我一馬，不要再要求我多做什麼後又再對我多做批評，我已經耗盡我的精力，接下來我不想讓我的熱忱所剩無幾。

religion

Many years ago, I didn't think religion is important to me, although I have a father who is a pastor. I entered college till now, there were many amazing grace happened to me, no matter broken-hearted or glad, at any rate I know I had grew with my religion, all the results are thanks for GOD's kindness.

I tried hard to find GOD who is my own GOD, just liked Jacob, father seldom exerted pressure on sister and me, that was really strange, there were many guestions in my mind, but I never ask my parents, actually I could not know how to find a solution. Now I find explanations from GOD steadily. Experiencing the choic of to be a club leader or not, I have to appreciate many friends who accompanied this diffuclt time. Before I made a decision, I could not imagine how childish I was, struggling long time was make me exhausted entirely, I Dared not count how many times I cried, I afraid to ask GOD how many times I complaint to him.

This two years in college, I made some friends in my class, they are not Christans at all, nevertheless we could talk deeply. GOD always be jokeing me, he made me to do the most unwilling thing, he let me come to TZU for spread good news, there were many and many events once impossible happened to me, but untill now he had me unnderstand that everything are controled in his hand, our significance are be decided by his will. Talking this subject is serious, I hated adult giving me pressure cause disregarding religion, now I am in twenty, I am not a naive child, to overcome countless trouble lets me become a strong girl, but in those process there were much assistance among my family and friends, I felt GOD appointting them came to help me mightily, how amazing it was!

Most teenager didn't care their religon, I am very disappointed for it, I was kinds of person nither, but God still awaits me back to his hug, never gives me up, so that I believe one day Cristians in TCU will service God alltogether.

After fellowship

I was tired, I want to escape from hubbub, but I still faced it,
you were fatigued, I was either
you wanted to evade and neither did I
when I lost something, do not trample on me by your eye-expression ,
when I forgot something, plaese do not give me any pressure by action,
were there anything much important than GOD?
no, of course not
I would not to find any reason to excuse,
I believe GOD always knows what I did , deeply, althought I couldn't see him
I should find encouragements for myself which from GOD,
sometime I worried about my schoolwork, so what, it just my vexation,
I pay attention not only on schoolwork but also in religion,
no matter how hard I studied, I am still a commonplace person,
there only has one way to succeed is wait for GOD's action, and strive to do our best at same time
anything are contrived by God.